Wives and Husbands

The Dunham Crew, circa 1978

I was fortunate enough to grow up in a home where I had no doubt that my mother and father loved each other. Unfortunately, I know this is not the case with everyone. I know that many people grew up in homes that were plagued with fighting and anger and violence. Moms and dads who said and did horrible things to each other and to their kids. Husbands and wives who gave up on each other because they couldn’t figure out how to get along, or someone who was too selfish to try. I hope that wasn’t you, but statistics tell us that more than likely your parents are no longer together. And I am sorry for that. I truly am.

My parents will have been married for 45 years this past December. That is a really long time to be with someone. I have lived with myself for 42 years and I am pretty much sick of it.

I think they would be the first to tell you that they didn’t do everything right. For starters they got engaged after only knowing each other for about 6 months. They were driving across Canada and my dad, lying down in the back seat of his 1966 Pontiac Gran Prix woke up in a stupor and asked my mom if she would marry him. She said “No,” but a few months later agreed (via the US Mail) to tie the knot.

My mother has often said that she had no idea what she was getting into, but if she had…she trails off a little at that point. After a little reflection she ends with, “It is not how I would recommend getting together with someone. We hardly knew each other.”

But somehow they have made it work.

They were stubborn for one. My mother was a farm girl from near Kalamazoo, Michigan. My father a gritty, under-sized kid born without a left pectoral muscle (which he reminds us of incessantly to make sure his sons remember how much he has had to overcome) from the small town of Clinton, Michigan. He recently wrote in his memoir that he once killed a chicken when he was about 5 or 6, convinced he could get it to lay eggs by hitting it on the head with a hammer.

So they are tough people, if not all that bright, and I think that helps in marriage. You just kind of power through the rough spots until it gets better.

But my parents were very tender with each other too. I can remember coming into the house on occasion (probably I was in high school which makes it even worse) and they would be slow dancing in the kitchen, maybe smooching a little. Ugh, disgusting. “Get a room you two!” I would shout and run to my room slamming the door wondering what I did to deserve such punishment.

It was gross, but deep down you knew it was pretty cool that your parents were in love.

They had their fights too, like any couple, but I do not really remember the details. I can remember once or twice the conversation getting a little loud and heated behind a closed door. And I recall seeing my mom crying a time or two. It was rare, but it happened.

The thing I noticed is that they always seemed to resolve things, one way or another, and that gave me a lot of confidence in them, in our family, that we would be alright.

When my dad retired he took up a strange hobby. He was a professor for 30 years or so and loved visiting various college campuse. Not long after leaving the University of Wyoming he decided he would buy a new car and he and my mother would visit every college in the United States. Literally. That is something like 3000 schools I think, and hundreds of thousands of miles of driving.

I am not sure what mom thought of this idea, but she went along and for several months I think things went pretty well and they had a good time.

Needless to say they spent a lot of time in the car and you can only talk so much, so my mother decided she needed something to help her pass the time. So she bought a little battery-operated keyboard that could rest on her lap and on which she could pound out her favorite hymns mile after long and lonely mile.

I am not sure when the switch flipped for my dad, but eventually that little keyboard got under his skin. At the next rest stop he got her a “present,” a nice set of headphones she could plug into her keyboard. He claims he was just looking out for her, wanting her to enjoy the rich tones of her Casio. Uh huh.

I am not sure that there is a single secret for wives and husbands to make a marriage work, but Peter hits on a couple things that makes a lot of sense, character traits that I saw in my mother and father. And as I said, they’ve been together almost five decades.

The Unfading Beauty (3:1-6)
Peter writes that woman is beautiful not because of how she looks or does her hair or the clothes she wears, but because of her gentle and quiet spirit. He writes that women should be submissive to their husbands, to defer to their leadership, to trust them even if they are dummies.

He gives the example of Sarah who went along with Abraham’s lame brain plan to tell everyone she was his sister. God had to step in twice to protect her from a couple of very powerful men they encountered.

It does wonders for a man’s confidence to know that his woman will stand by him, support him, believe in him and even let him make mistakes when she knows better. Men will go to battle for a girl who respects him, maybe doesn’t always agree with him, but shows respect nonetheless.

When I think of my mom, I think this is how Sarah must have been. My mother has strong opinions and she shares them, but she respects my dad, lets him lead. She has maybe the most quiet and gentle spirit of any woman I have ever known, and she has wielded that quiet spirit like a sledgehammer (metaphorically speaking) when it comes to dealing with my dad; very effective. Lord knows he has made mistakes and probably made moves she disagreed with, but she has stood by him through them all. And that’s impressive and beautiful.

Consider as You Live (3:7)
Peter’s advice to the husbands is a little more succinct:

“Husbands, in the same be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.” (3:7)

First of all I am not theologian, but I think he use of the word “weaker” is a really unfortunate translation of the word “poieo. This word is translated literally dozens of ways, but the overriding sense is “to produce, or bear.” What I think Peter is getting at here is that men, you need to consider the fact this person because she is part of you, just like Eve was “produced” or borne from Adam’s very side, so you need to consider this person as a part of you.

I think it drives women crazy when they think they are not being heard or listened to. I am not expert on feminine psychology, but I have noticed that women like to talk and process things verbally. They have an innate need to share things like feeling and emotions and opinions and dhat do you think about my haircut and did I tell you the Smith got a new dog and I am not sure that is a good idea with the little baby, etc, etc.

Men are not really wired this way. We usually work things out in our head and then act. It is the reason things get done in the world and simultaneously the reason the world is such a mess.

Peter says the husband is to consider her. Listen to her, consider what she has to say. She is an heir with you, she is part of you. Listen to her. I think this is why he throws in that part about your prayers not being hindered. You don’t listen to your wife, then why would God listen you?

There is no doubt my father was the primary decision maker in our family, but it is equally clear that mom was his chief counsel. I know that they would spend many hours discussing and considering together what to do and how to lead our family. I know that he considered her, listened to her and valued what she had to say. And I am sure that played no small role in their success as husband and wife.

1 Peter 3:1-7

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